From: Jim Moore
Subject: Re: Seeing corpses (was Re: Aesthetics and Race
Date: Sun, 16 Feb 1997 11:55:28 -0800
I have been following this thread with great interest. I lost my life
partner (he was so much more than a 'lover') a year ago last January. I
was present when he passed away, and it was a great relief for me; and I
can only presume, for him, also. I cared for his needs daily during the
last 6 months of his life, as there was not a good system in place for
that where we lived at the time. He had become a mere shell of his
former self. As I held his hand and kissed him and told him it was okay
to let go, he finally did just that; with great dignity and grace.
It is at this point that I wonder quietly whether some part of me is
broken. I don't feel "pain" so much as a great, deep emptiness. He was,
after all, not exactly "in there" at that point. (...if you can follow
that theory.) I believe that I will be hard pressed to find another
person who will venture to coming close to filling those very empty parts
of myself, if at all.
I am very fortunate to have known this man's love, support, caring and
life shared during the 7 years we lived in the same space, after a year's
"courtship". After 8 years total relationship, I feel cheated only in
that I (me, me, me!) can't continue in the same manner. An odd prase,
you may ask?
As it happens, I talk to Clif on a regular basis. I often feel his
presence where I am now, and during events when I find myself thinking,
"Clif would have *loved* this!" Suddenly, he's there. Wishful thinking?
Perhaps. Delusional? Maybe. I can't explain it exactly. It's just a
calm warmness that steals over me. A "thereness", much like I enjoyed in
past years in his delightful company. I like to entertain the idea that
he's helping me through these past few months as I helped him in his last
few months. Who knows? I can only conjecture. If it's only a defense
mechanism created by my mind, I would say that I must have an extremely
kind mind. It has been very helpful to me either way.
After clearing my throat, and dabbing away a tear, I must add here that I
*do* sometimes feel like an old Nana, jabbering away to her dear departed
husband (may he rest in peace...). I do manage to refrain from doing
that in public! After all, if I am delusional, I see no point in proving
it to the neighbors! :-) On the other hand, I can now understand why
all the Dear Old Nana's I've ever known jabber thusly.
Thanks in advance for allowing me to blither,
Jim Moore ............... Quote for the Minute:
"Death will be a great relief. No more interviews."
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