From: Jim Moore 
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: Re: Seeing corpses (was Re: Aesthetics and Race
Date: Sun, 16 Feb 1997 11:55:28 -0800



I have been following this thread with great interest.  I lost my life 
partner (he was so much more than a 'lover') a year ago last January.  I 
was present when he passed away, and it was a great relief for me; and I 
can only presume, for him, also.  I cared for his needs daily during the 
last 6 months of his life, as there was not a good system in place for 
that where we lived at the time.  He had become a mere shell of his 
former self.  As I held his hand and kissed him and told him it was okay 
to let go, he finally did just that; with great dignity and grace.

It is at this point that I wonder quietly whether some part of me is 
broken.  I don't feel "pain" so much as a great, deep emptiness.  He was, 
after all, not exactly "in there" at that point. (...if you can follow 
that theory.)  I believe that I will be hard pressed to find another 
person who will venture to coming close to filling those very empty parts 
of myself, if at all.

I am very fortunate to have known this man's love, support, caring and 
life shared during the 7 years we lived in the same space, after a year's 
"courtship".  After 8 years total relationship, I feel cheated only in 
that I (me, me, me!) can't continue in the same manner.  An odd prase, 
you may ask?

As it happens, I talk to Clif on a regular basis.  I often feel his 
presence where I am now, and during events when I find myself thinking, 
"Clif would have *loved* this!"  Suddenly, he's there.  Wishful thinking? 
Perhaps.  Delusional?  Maybe.  I can't explain it exactly.  It's just a 
calm warmness that steals over me.  A "thereness", much like I enjoyed in 
past years in his delightful company.  I like to entertain the idea that 
he's helping me through these past few months as I helped him in his last 
few months.  Who knows?  I can only conjecture.  If it's only a defense 
mechanism created by my mind, I would say that I must have an extremely 
kind mind.  It has been very helpful to me either way.

After clearing my throat, and dabbing away a tear, I must add here that I 
*do* sometimes feel like an old Nana, jabbering away to her dear departed 
husband (may he rest in peace...).  I do manage to refrain from doing 
that in public!  After all, if I am delusional, I see no point in proving 
it to the neighbors!  :-)  On the other hand, I can now understand why 
all the Dear Old Nana's I've ever known jabber thusly.

Thanks in advance for allowing me to blither,
-- 
Jim Moore   ...............   Quote for the Minute:

"Death will be a great relief.  No more interviews."

                              --Katharine Hepburn--