Newsgroups: soc.motss
From: key@netcom.com (peter li'ir key)
Subject: bitter
Date: Wed, 3 Aug 1994 05:50:41 GMT


bitter.

the one word description for this past weekend.
i spoke with mother dearest on saturday.
i wish i hadn't.
maybe the fourth or fifth time in two and a half years.
same old same old, but this time i was less forgiving and angrier in
the end.
i wish i hadn't spoken with mother dearest.

how _dare_ she play with my dreams!
how _dare_ she accuse me of rejecting my parents!
how _dare_ she accuse me of not having done anything for my parents!
how _dare_ she accuse me of not knowing what the world is like!
how _dare_ she blame me for not telling her sooner!
how _dare_ she blame me for her unhappiness!
how _dare_ she, after all that, demand forgiveness!
how _dare_ she!  how _dare_ she!!  HOW DARE SHE!!!

***

"we'll pay for school for one year if you live alone."  - mother dearest
someday i will finish school.  but sometimes it seems like
someday will never come.  there is never enough money.
a car, old debts, a new apartment, my department/project gets axed,
new glasses, daily expenses, commute, and all the other million
things that leech away the money.
"no.  i love my boyfriend.  i won't leave him.  i won't live alone."  - me
"you don't want to go to school.  why don't you want to go to school?"  
  - mother dearest
deaf ears.  i _want_ to go to school!  i want to finish my degree.
all i need is one year.  this is my dream!  but i will not pay that
price for my dream.  never.
how dare she dangle my dreams before me!

"you must hate us to be gay!"  - mother dearest
i didn't hate them then, but maybe now i do.
i'm not the one who turned my back on them.  i'm not the one who said,
"i can't be your mother anymore.  i can't have a gay son."  i'm not the
one who said, "you are dead to me."
i told them the truth, and they told me to go away.

"you never did anything to make us happy"  - mother dearest
'of course not!  i didn't bust my butt in high school just so you could
me proud of me.  i didn't bring home wonderful academic crap, so you could
show all your friends, rivals, and enemies how marvelous a son you had.
no, i never you visited every god damn weekend just because you wanted to see 
me, even though it was hell.  no, i never helped you at work.  no, i never 
did anything to make you proud and happy.  nothing at all.'
  - maybe i should have said all that.
"i was a rotten and horrible child."  - me (sarcasm?  who me?)
"i didn't ask to be born."  - me
"i want to be your son, but you don't want me."  - me

"open your eyes!  look at the world!  if you saw, you wouldn't be this way."
  - mother dearest
"what!  what am i supposed to see?  that people like you hate people
like me?  that life is hard?  what!  that money is hard to come by?
that i should finish college?  what!  do you think i'm some kind of
idiot?  i know all this!  i what it's like to work hard!  i know
what it's like to budget my money!  i know what it's like to be
poor!  i know what it's like to be hated!!"  - me

"why didn't you tell us sooner?  you should have told us sooner!"
  - mother dearest
"i couldn't even tell myself!  do you know what it's like growing
up hating yourself?!?  thank you for teaching me so well!
and i was afraid to tell you.  look how you reacted!  even if 
i could have told you then what?"  - me
"we could have talked.  in a year you would get better."  - mother dearest
"and if i was still gay, then what?  were you going to kick me
out of the house?!?"  - me
silence - mother dearest
same old crap different day.  but now i don't know if i can forgive
my mother.  my own mother!  o god!  i think i hate my own mother!

"i'm so unhappy because of you!"  - mother dearest
"don't blame me!  i'm not the one who's turned their back of you.
i'm not the one who hated you.  i'm not the one who said all those
horrible things two years ago.  how dare you blame me!"  - me

"forgive me!"  - mother dearest
"i don't know if i can anymore.  and are you really sorry?"  - me
silence  - mother dearest

***

it's tuesday, august 2, 1994 now.  and i'm still all wound up.
i heard they passed the education bill in the senate and house,
the one taking funding away from school districts that teach about
homosexuality.  it feels like the whole world hates me today.
work stinks.  school is still not in sight.  oh fuck i'm trying
hard not to fall to pieces.

was i cruel?  should i be forgiving?  do i want to have anything
to do with my parents?  why?  why?  why?

it's a bitter time.

peter li'ir key
key@netcom.com