From: hilton@onramp.net (Hilton)
Subject: Coming Out To My Wife
Date: Tue, 11 Apr 1995 13:56:09 -0400

It has been 10 days since I "Came Out" to my wife.  It was something that
I had been considering for several months; but I was terrified that she'd
leave me once she knew about the feelings I have for other guys.   We've
been happily married for 15 years, have a wonderful relationship, an
excellent sex life, and two incredible children.  So why rock the boat? 
Why not just carry on as before?  The bi/gay married guys I'd talk to
online all advised me against it.  I kept looking for examples of people
who had done it and who had remained happily married....but there weren't
many.

Two weeks ago we went to see "Angels in America".  Both of us were deeply
moved and on the way home my wife began crying.  I was sure that she
related our own situation back to the show, but I kept quiet.  She knows
that on my business trips out of town I often go dancing at gay dance
clubs (I've always said that it's because I can go and dance on my own
without having to worry about finding a partner).  She knows that I have
many gay friends and business associates.  I was convinced that she must
know or suspect something.   For the next few days I felt very uneasy.

Last Saturday night the two of us went to our favorite restaurant for
dinner.  We had a wonderful evening and we began talking about things
about each other that irritated us.  It all started innocently enough, but
my wife mentioned that she got upset when I danced without my shirt on at
one of the gay dance clubs that we go to quite often.  She said that she
didn't like the thought of guys looking at me. I told her that I did! I
explained that seeing other goodlooking muscular guys turned me on, that
initially I had been very confused about my sexuality, wondering whether I
was *becoming* gay, but that in the last year I had realized that it was
possible to have a dual attraction, and the fact that I was turned on by
guys didn't mean I wasn't turned on by her - or for that matter, other
attractive women.

Both of us ended up crying.  Earlier in the day we had taken one of our
sons to see the Names Project here in Houston, and now my wife sobbed that
she didn't want to have to see my name on the Quilt - and then realizing
the consequences added that she didn't want HER name on it either!!  She
told me that she knew that she couldn't stop me from being myself, but
that if I was going to have sex with guys I should consider all the
implications, especially AIDS.  I promised that I would never indulge in
unsafe sex....a promise that I intend to keep.

We talked the whole night.... and eventually fell asleep as the sun rose. 
All day Sunday there was a sense of tension in the air.  We really didn't
talk much about what we were thinking or feeling.  On Sunday night our
lovemaking was more passionate than I can ever remember.  Afterwards we
talked about what we could do.  Ignore it and go on?  Go for therapy?  We
both knew one thing.  That we do not want to be apart.  We wanted to find
a way to make our marriage work, while acknowledging the fact that one of
us is bisexual and the other is straight.  

I asked if she had ever suspected anything.  She told me that she hadn't;
that she had always trusted me and I'd never given her cause not to trust
me.  

On Monday I went to one of the local gay bookstores and stocked up with
books the deal with marrried men coming out to their wives.  Both of us
began reading.  Both of us got very depressed.  Not too many success
stories. After a few days my wife stopped reading them...it was really
getting way too heavy for her.  I've continued reading, and I share the
positive information with her.

I don't know what the future holds for us.  I do know that at the moment
we are much closer as a result of my honesty.  Both of us are making an
effort to LISTEN to one another; to take care of eachother, and not take
one another for granted.  Hopefully we will find a way to both feel
fulfilled.  One thing we are doing is talking about our feelings. 
Spending more time on our own, without the kids or friends, just the two
of us.

I thank G-d that the woman I fell in love with is as understanding as
this. That, as the slogan goes, she can be straight without being narrow. 
We've always told our children that a persons sexual orientation was of no
consequence to us...that we loved people regardless of whether they were
straight or gay.  The events of the last few days have proved the truth of
that statement.  

Unfortunately my brother and father aren't quite as "gay friendly" and I'm
still dealing with how to tell them about the REAL me.  They need to know,
because once they realize that it's part of their family, perhaps they
will become a little less homophobic.

The thought of coming out of the closet was so scary.  The thought of
remaining imprisoned in it was far worse.  For me, it was the right thing
to do.